What is it to feel as deep as the seas
when it crushes the mind, what this wide heart sees
in a world that brightens like a firefly's end
and darkens as swift and oft' as it please
What is is it to whirl like a top at the whim
of a force unnamed, with intentions grim
to be sucked into orbit at the drop of a dime
as dead planets twirl, I too shall spin
My heart is the sun and my logic the moon
one burns like a devil's spite, swift and soon
and sheds such a light as to nurture my wounds
I seek solace skyward, on the face of a rune
pale and empty with a hollow glow
my moon is a phantom who feigns to know
as I dangle on strings of unconscious design
that send me to heaven, then back down bellow
what is it to taste of divinity's power
to rise like a tide in the blink of an hour
amassing such weight of conviction and strength
then wilting back inward with the fate of a flower?
I wrote this at the bus stop, after deflating fully from this euphoric high. It was like part of me died, but also part of me was able to breathe again, enough to make a concise and logical conclusion.
I fought with Stephen today. He was trying to be funny and I over reacted. I always hit him when I am angry, I can feel my mother come over me. I just let the anger whell until I can't stop it and then release it in jabs and punches against his shoulders. It is wrong, I know, but I feel justified because I am so much smaller than him, and I felt angry. I am working on it, let us just say that.
Plus, he feeds off of it. I tried to calm the situation down again, but he wanted me to keep hitting him, to stay mad and fiery. I just wanted him to leave for a while and to collect my thoughts. He slammed the door. I hope he comes back soon.
Cristina came over. She is this musician from the open mic where I work. I used to be so intimidated by her. She has an immense talent, and a charisma on stage. Seeing her in person made her more human. We connected well, and spoke about recording and insecurity and writing patterns. She told me about Victor Chavez, the president of Venesuella (spelling?). I didn't know how wonderful he was until she told me about it. All of his accomplishments as a leader seem surreal in this day and age. How could a world that would have Sharon and Bush in power also have room for Chavez? Speaking about it made me want to go out and do something, anything. but I stayed in and ate ice cream. We sang and played for a little bit and then she left. it felt very natural to entertain a guest in my house. Cleaning up before hand was not unpleasant, and I felt comfortable with myself while she was here. I didn't take my medication either, so maybe this is a sign that I don't need it so often? Maybe for school days or study days or something. I don't know. I am going to have to figure it out.
Last night went particularly well. I got drunk of course, and spent time at the bar. There was no open mic, instead there was a jazzy band with a saxaphone player. It was nice to unwind without having to perform. Still, it would have been nice. I saw Heather and Stephen and Jimmy and Larry (two of Stephen's gay friends). It was strange hanging outwith Heather last night. she seemed quieter, kind of unhappy maybe. I told her that I liked someone at the bar. His name was Damien (I know, how could you not want a guy with that name?) and he was tall with dark features and a nice jawline. No one else thought he was hot, but low and behold, Heather started talking with him, flashing him flirty smiles and sneaking outside to smoke with him. It was funny that she chose to talk to him right after I told her I really thought he was something. I worry that I am being paranoid because of what happened with Anna. She totally went after this guy because I liked him. I feel like finding good men is difficult, and you take ques from women you respect. If this means that every guy I like becomes fair game for every girl I know, then I'll just stay single for another year. Although it is getting rather hot in here lately if you know what I mean. Deprive yourself of chocolate for long enough and you will go on a rampage (or at least I will). Hopefully that won't result in me having indescreet promiscuous sex with people. At least let's hope I am dating the guy. There is nothing like horniness to help one over come immense self-consciousness. I just felt the need to throw that last little tid bit in there.
I am excited about my recordings. even though people havne't been listening to them as much as I would have liked, I still feel like they were a big accomplishment. Now I have a demo CD, something to sell at my gigs, and something to send to the family. I am not happy with "The Tide" though. My voclas and guitar weren't that good. I should also try to rerecord "Tether". There isn't any feeling in it. Alright, enough of this. I should read or something. But I feel like watching television and eating ice cream. I'l lgo for a walk instead. =)