everywhere i go people are fucking and frollicking and falling infatuation. and i feel like i'm shriveling inside, wadding back up into a disgruntled flower bud. fuck this shit. FUCK IT. everyone wants me to know how glorious their relationships are, how enriched they have become from having regular sex and someone to tell them they don't look fat before they leave the house. i ran into anthony again. he said his phone was shut off and that he wanted to call me. then my phone died that night. i suggested that he come by my work again and he didn't show up. so i got hammered at work and then wandered to the gay bar, then followed heather and some old bf of hers home. they fucked, i slept on the couch. i could hear the vibrator from one floor bellow and two rooms over. seattlites are discrete about everything, even the mundane and useless details of their lives, but when it comes to fucking, i feel like every couple (including my neighbors and close friends) require that people hear the raunchy sounds of their fucking. it brings them added joy to know that other people are shifting nervously, trying to ignore the groan and creak of bed springs and the vibrato of forced faux-orgasmic moaning. if i ever have sex again, which does not seem too likely, i'll find some quiet room with sound-proof walls and no windows. i'll drag his ass to the top of mt rainier if i have to, but damnit i will not become another desperate boring couple whose only sense of excitement and satisfaction is derived from fooling others into believing they are having good sex. somewhere, someone is having amazing sex, but if it is truly amazing then we won't need to hear about it. im so mad. i was beginning to accept the fact that anthony didn't like me. and then we meet up randomly at sccc. he called me over, and i didn't see him until then so he at least initiated our chance encounter. maybe he just got drunk somewhere else and didn't have the energy to show up? i don't know, but tonight i feel like he is going to come to my work again. god i felt sexy last night. i feel sleeker, somehow feline in my body. i move like a panther (an awkward, disproportionate panther). the end. time to clean my apartment really well.