carvngintowater (carvngintowater) wrote,

still with the tension...Extremes revisited

it hurts now. things shift like bad waether in my head, and im leaning up against the same harsh wall pouring out tears. i want to stop thinking now. i let reality n in mouthfuls instead of teaspoons, and my mind was crippled in oblivion before. too frail to accept it all, too simple to calculate so many equations. it's dark now, and my inferiority complex is the largest block of shadow, the veil that encryptedeverything. so complicated yet so fucking simple. pitifully simple. like a wind up toy with a missing gear, it would be more trouble to fix than it's worth to me. my dreams are too grandiose. dreaming is such a fucked up masochism. and what is all of this if not the indications of a choice. my choice to avoid the high road, take the path of least resistance, settle back in to apathy and let my memory cleanse itself to begin this cycle over again. i always find myself in the dark, aching as if some lage organ was pulled from me without anesthetic. my head is heavy with the refuse of failed attempts, my brain is still whirring in my skull, trying to find a loop hole in thise whole conviction, honor, passion, intellect thing so that i might get my foot in the door. just like mom with so many manipulative back roads. she was just avoiding the truth, as i am now, that i am inferior in this life. not by design, but by my own crippled state of mind. i am inferior to everything because i fear this the most, and see this in every relationship i have. it was easier to assume the lesser role before, but now i feel this strange competetion with everyone.

Alright, I spoke to Austin and we discussed a few things. Firstly, I am not inferior, although I do have a ocmplex about it. Everyone does, in one way or another. It feels like Frost opened me up to the world of feeling and sensitivity, where as before I was closed up and indifferent in a lot of ways. The shift back to openness was violent, taking place within a few weeks at most. I imagine it to be much like the planets in the solar system, drifting around the sun that is the core of emotion and ability to take in and reflect feeling. Finding a happy distance from it without growing too cold or becoming fried is key. Right now I am pretty much dancing on the surface, and my head is crippled from thinking too deeply and feeling too much. Austin suggested that I rationalize things more, attatch logic to these epiphanies so that they aren't purely emotion. That way, once the feeling has dissipated, there will be something tangible to recollect. It will be a watermark in my personal growth, rather than an inexplicable jolt of electricity that leaves me confused.
This specific melt-down had a lot to do with feelings of insecurity. I feel inferior to Frost, and to a lot of people in my life who have things figured out. Mainly, I am feeling so much right now that I can't express it all, adn I can't keep a handle on my thoughts. I am straining to catch up with people like Frost, so that my world view might be as wide and enriched, and my life will yeild the same meaning. But instead of becoming at peace and centered, I have just thrown myself out of whack again. What I need to do now is take my mind away from these things. I need to get out of this house and into the world, and I need to unwind.
Part of my fear though is that this medication isn't helping. I am high strung and anxious and almost obsessively thinking about things. That isn't normal. Maybe I don't have ADD, or maybe I don't need so much medication. Maybe I don't need medication at all...
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